i dont know how fulfilling nusical theatre is to me right now. i hope its just cause im working for a shitty theatre doing subpar shows that i am getting sick of it but all i can say right now is that getting paid 225 a week to do this is not worth it atall. id rather be working at ciao baby. i am putting in like 90 hours a week!!! thats insane to put in that much work and get paid nearly nothing for it. itd be better if after rehearsals we just had to go to shows 8 times a weeka and had the rest of the time off but no, instead we have 10 shows a week which means we only get monday off but thats absolutely nothing considering that we have musc man rehearsal all day anyway. some day off. the worst part of it was that before music man rehearsals startes we still were rehearsing for country roads on our days off and mornings off. the show had alreadt been up for 3 weeks and we performed 30 times but t the need to kebut chabges f caus emike still didnt think the show was good. no ike tnt

tonight was so much fun. went to the gay bar with sam Erin wade ari and jeremy. i didnt drink and it was so much better that yay. the manager knows me now so if lets me im but i have to sneak drinks if i wanna drink. sean was hitting on me hardcore it was really annoying cause i dont like him. he is missing teeth and his breath reeks of cigarettes its disguisting. i had fun playing pool and actually played really well and then i had alot of fun dancing too. my friends started a dance party' the rest of the bar joined in and everyone was out there dancing' the best was dancing with the lesbians! they loved me it was really funny. ok i have rehearsal at 9am and im exhausted and i think kevins getting mad at my texting noises on my phone. i hate having a roomate again

ive been at galveston now for a month and a half. it feels like an eternity probably because we are so busy all the time and have work like 70 hours a week sometimes more. i made some good friends here but who i hang out with changes as the weeks go on. by the way, since high school my english has gone to shitd its really bad. but

Im in my 3rd month of the tane now. My dose had been doubled to 60mg a day. My face is SOOOOOOO much better. I couldnt be happier about it. This is seriously a miracle drug, I would recommend it to anyone. It has boosted my confidence x 5 and has made me a happier person. Ill update with some pictures real soon.

3 more months to go! Im excited!

So that whole throat hurting thing I mentioned in Week 2... yea, well I think it something to do with me being sick because about 5 days after that I got bronchitis and Im still sick until this day (Im back in Miami now). This will be brief... my face got better and better after the lsat entry and then all of a sudden it got worse about a week ago. i think this is just one of the exxpected initial breakouts. oh and my dermatologist schduled me an appointment for a day when she wasnt there so now i havent had pills since monday, my new appt is for friday (today is wednesday). I actually had about 4 extra pills from a couple times when i missed taking my meds over the month, so im spreading them out over the 5 days i dont have anything just to keep some Tane in my system. Also, Friday Ill have my bloodwork looked at. Ill update hopefully at week 5. who knows. i dont like updating lol.

Two weeks into taking Accutane and I already notice a big difference! Other peopl might not notice it as much, but I know myself well. My skin has not cleared to this point since longer than i can remember. I mean, its still not good, but at least im making progress. My face is a little more dried out and my I have to put Aquaphor on my lips ALL THE TIME because if i ever let them get dry its not a pretty scene. Sounds lovely, I know. The newest development are the nose bleeds. Ive been getting them alot. Ive probably had about 7 in the past 3 days. Im not so sure if its the best thing that im getting so many so soon. And Im only on 30mg a day right now. Whats gonna happen in month 5 when im on 80mg a day? My throat also hurts. It feels like a black and blue when I swallow. I think its from the medicine making me dehydrated. When I drink alot of water and after meals and stuff I dont notice my throat hurting. But in the morning its a bitch. So thats it for now. Ive been taking pictures and eventualyl Ill put them up for anyway that wants to see some cool Before and After extreme-makeover-like magic! haha

So its been 1 week since I started the 'Tane (Dec.16th). This is probably just pure coincidence but the right side of my face cleared up a little bit. I dont see how the medicine could have worked that quickly.. but anyway... in the first week not too much has changed. My face has just dried out and become really sensitive. From walking around the city 3 days in a row (in 30 degree weather. Mind you, this is not summer) my face BURNT. I couldnt figure out why my face was hurting so much when I washed it and put on moisutrizer but a day later the redness showed up. The burn doesnt always look like a burn until a little while after sun exposure. So Ive realized that I need MORE than my 15SPF moisutrizer. Im using 55SPF noncomodogenic sunblock on top of the 15SPF moisutrizer. I think that should help...especially in Miami. I tmkaes my face a little greasy...but whatever. My lips are starting to get real dry too. I use chap stick all the time. I forgot to put it on at work yesterday... I sneezed... and I split my lip open lol. AH. SO now I carry around Aquaphor or some kind of chapstick with me everywhere. I think my biggest annoyance right now is that I cant get the damn pills out of the child resistant package!!! It takes like 5 minutes of my trying to get it out until I get pisssed off and just cut it out with scissors. Small priece to pay though haha

Besides Accutane though, Im having a great Christmas break so far. I want to go back to Miami for the warm weather, but thats the only reason why. Id rather stay in NY. Its an amazing place compared to anywhere else Ive ever been. I think Im definitely goign to end up living here the rest of my life.

Until next week....

Ever since junior year in HS my acne has gotten progressively worse. I had pretty nice skin pre-16, but now my skin is just a hot mess. The first time I ever went to a dermatologist was at the beginning of my senior year. I was prescribed Duac Topical Gel and used it for a few months but it didnt really help that much at all. My acne came and went like it did before. I went back to the dermatologist and he prescribed me Clindamycin lotion to put on my face 2 to 3 times a day. This did little to nothing. So I went back to the dermatologist at the end of my senior year and was prescribed Tretin-X (tretinoin). I was to use this at night as well as Plexion Cleansing Cloths (sulfur) in the mornings and continue to apply Clindamycin twice a day. My face got worse. Then I got mono and had to take steroids for my insanely swollen throat (I needed to sing! I was playing Doody at Hofstra at the time). The steroids made me face EXPLODE. I had never had or seen such bad acne in my life. I had like cysts on my face or something. I continued to use the 4 different medications though. After stopping the steroids my acne calmed down little by little in the remaining month of the summer. It never returned to how it looke pre-Steroids though. Finally, I had to go off to college. I stopped by my dermatologist before leaving and he said that he wanted me to continue using everything I was on for another month or so just to see if my face was still reacting from the steroids, and if it didnt get better, he would consider putting me on Accutane. My face got worse at Miami. It was at the point where I didnt go to class sometimes or didnt go out on weekends cause I just couldnt deal with people having to look at me (even though, people generally are nice about it and dont say anything). I was DYING to go back home for Thanksgiving to see my dermatologist because I was sure that just by looking at me once he'd be convinced that it was time for Accutane. I trudged through the next couple months trying EVERYTHING to keep by face from getting too much worse. My self esteem really plummeted though. All I couldnt think about when I went out was my face and how gross it probably was. I couldnt look anyone straight in the face. When I talked to people one on one I got really uncomfortable because I couldnt help but be extremely self-concious about my face. I think its effected my relationships too. I was never confident enough to make the first move, ask people to hang out more often, or to even continue talkign to people because I was so selfconcious and felt so disguisting that I didnt feel worthy enough. I felt like they could do better. so why me? This inhibited me alot and caused me to act differently. I wasnt this way before the ACCCNNEEE. it just totally changed the way I act and my level of self-esteem and self-confidence.

So I went home for Thanksgiving, went to my dermatologist and he said that I could go on Accutane. The only thing was... I basically live in Miami now, and I would need to go for a checkup and bloodtest every month. So, he said I have to see a dermatologist in Miami first so that this doctor could team up with him to take care of me. I had an appointment with a dermatologist in Miami anyway, it was scheduled for TODAYYY. So I came back to school 6 days ago and finally went to the dermatoligst this morning. I told her that my doctor recommended I go on Accutane (apparently my doctor in NY is relatively famous/wellknown?? I told them what his name was and they were like "OHHHH!! Joel Spitz!! Is he actually THE Joel Spitz from NY??) Knowing that THE ONE AND ONLY Joel Spitz recommended I go on Accutane was enough for them so almost immediately agree to put me on Accutane as well.

So the process started. They wrote me out prescriptions for blood tests. Then they went through the "iPledge" program with me where they explained al lthe side effects and gave me a binder to read through and then I had to sign liablility papers and all that good stuff. The DOC said she would start me right away BUT if I ever missed an appointment she owuld stop prescribing me the medication. She trusts me because I am a University of Miami student. She wrote me out the prescription. (i mean, hey, Im not complaining, but I think she shoud have taken it a little more seriously. Hopefully she does with her other patients.) So I went with Graham to get blood taken.

The results should be in by Friday. I will get a call from my DOC confirming (hopefully) that everything is ok. If thats the case, I will complete the iPledge program online and then go get my prescription filled. I wont start it until I actually go back home on Dec.14th because before I get the next thirty day prescription I have to see my dermatologist again and my next appointment in Miami is Jan 15th. Ill only be a day off. Oh well.

So Im finally going on this stuff.... the main thing im worried about is the depression/mood swings/irrational behavior. I have such a passion for musical theatre right now and I am so driven. I set up my auditions for the musical theatre conservatories at CCM and Miami in the past week. I dont want this medication to artifically alter the way I feel about theatre so that I decide not to do it, but when I go off the meds after 6 months I realize the mistake that I made because I was being irrational.

So please watch me guys!!

Im going to keep a journal throughout the time I am on Accutane. I was told by my Derm. that it was a good idea. If anyone notices me acting differently or getting dperessed or starting to change my life plans please TELLL MMEEE!!! I may not want to believe that it is the medicine but it most likely is. I am GOING to be a performer and some medicine that im taking for 5 or 6 months is not gonna change my life because of a little depression. This is how I see it... I am already depressed without the Accutnae because of my Acne. Its worth going throug a little bit more depression that may be a little worse so that ultimately my face is AMAZING and I can have the most confidence that Ive ever had in my entire life and have a renewed passion for everything. Lets hope thats the case.

Ill update the day or day after I actually take the first pill.

: D

last night was THE most INSANE night of college so far. ::sigh:: it was lovely

im totally abandoning biology and moving forward full throttle into musical theatre. im auditioning in january to be in miamis musical theatre conservatory as a BM Musical Theatre major. We'll see what happens